Broken Heart

Broken Heart

It is a broken heart not because what someone did to you,

but because what you can't do for someone you love.

It breaks my heart not being able to be more like what my loved ones want, need, expect, hoped of me, what they believe would help our relationship.

It breaks my heart that I have to choose between being my Self and denying who I am. It breaks my heart to not be able to give, to have nothing to offer, not even a promise.

Sometimes, It breaks my heart to not be “normal”.

The little girl in me, fantasizes that if only I tried a little harder, if only I behaved as told, if only I could just make an effort to be more like others around me… Then, she hides fearing the worst. She fears being abandoned, rejected, unloved, not good enough, not worthy. Other times she comes out yelling; "Why can't you just be willing to do things like celebrating Christmas, or eating their food, or think like everyone else?" On good days, I listen carefully and explain to her the value of knowing who we are. I hold her close to me and love her so much, I feel her pain, and I know there is nothing I can do. Other days, I beat myself up and try to justify myself with information. I read somewhere that only 32% of the planet's population are christians and another 13% that do not identify as christians do celebrate Christmas too. I guess, I can't be alone on that one! But still, I know it's not about Christmas, or food, or ways of thingking... It is about wishing it was easier for those I love, to have me in their lives. This is truly what does break my heart.